Bitter

Still bitter from wednesday night, my last chance to make swimming districts, something I’ve been working towards all season, the last 3 years, and arguably my entire 10 years of swimming prior. The most annoying part is that it wasn’t even entirely my fault, it wasn’t like a gave up, swam slow or messed up on the flipturns I’ve been practicing for weeks.

It was the last chance meet, I was the second to last race; 100m breaststroke. I unfortunately hadn’t noticed people whiping off the blocks all night and as I dove into the water at the  start, my legs slid out from under be and I fell face-first into the water, wacking my shin in the process. I spent the entire race trying to catch up, but wound up getting a much slower time than I had the previous weekend at champs, and way too far from the district cut. My coach argued with the refs and I got to swim it again, alone, about 2 minutes later-having just sprinted what probably would have been my best time if not for the block. 

I didn’t get it. And  after so 4+ months of insanity and sacrafices, I got fucked over by a stupid block. Maybe if I had swam just a little faster the previous saturday I would have made it…maybe if I hadn’t propelled myself off the block so forcefully I would have had a normal start. the what ifs are driving me fucking crazy and I can’t help be jealous of everyone that made their cuts the week before. 

I was ranked first in the meet. I only had to drop about half a second. I would have made it, I know, my teammates know it and had been unbelieveably sweet and encouraging. They believed in me and so I believed in myself. But now I have to face  that, yet again, I didn’t make districts. I’ve never been so close and that makes it all the more upsetting. It is a true and possibly embarrassing fact that I cried on the way home. Districts would have been the validation of all my hard work, it’s been my goal for 3 years and would be the pinnacle of my achievement on high school swimming. It would have meant so much for me to go, and I want to slap the girl on our team whose bitching about having to spend another two weeks on the team, because she made districts in her individuals

I’m just so fucking upset and angry, I don’t even know what to say.